coaching process 3

Reflections

Looking at the overall coaching techniques and models, what do you think are the benefits of having a coaching model or set of tools to use when coaching?

A model is an overview of the coaching process and has a number of benefits for the coach and prospective coachee. For the coach it reflects what he or she is actually doing in the coaching sessions. It gives me an overall direction and process. A model allows the coach and coachee to see the 'Big Picture'. It is helpful to use a visual or acronym etc. In doing so, the coaching model can be used for a range of marketing purposes including the business card, web site, welcome pack etc

How would you use the tools or models in a coaching session?

The coaching process gives detail to the set of tools that have been highlighted in the coaching model. This set of tools gives a coach strategies (the 'how') to move the client forward in any given situation. Obviously, it's not simply a matter of having the tools but knowing how to use them and in particular WHEN we should use them. This suite of tools needs to be organic - we need to grow and in doing so we'll develop and add to our tools.

After a session a coach can reflect on the issues that have been raised and deliberately plan an appropriate tool to help the client in the following session.

Consider how you would use specific tools effectively. At what stage of the process would you find particular tools the most useful?

It is situational and the following is simply a model.

At the beginning of the process I would use tools that would help the client align clients values to their goals: value-based goals. This may be a list of word prompts or visuals. There would be significant questions and listening and truthful feedback including different perspectives. At this stage it is also possible to challenge the client to reach for goals they haven't even thought possible.
Once the goals have been clarified, enthusing will help drive a client commitment. This commitment will also be reinforced in subsequent sessions by celebrating successes. Along the ups and downs of the journey power tools will be utilised as and when required.

empowering the coaching relationship

The ego wants predictability not a risk

In coaching we must be careful not to 'please' our client or be worried about being 'liked'. We simply need to be ourselves and trust the coaching process.

Making relationships starts with us as coaches.

Things we can do internally: Prepare for learning; taking everything that has happened to us and use it as a strength.

Technique: Close your eyes and think of fighting as a soldier. What are you thinking / feeling if you were going to kill or be killed. At the survival mode not a lot of thinking happens. It is more 'fight or flight' - Our blood goes to our arms and legs away from our head. Everyday stress causes cells to mutate in order to exist at a lower blood supply.

Letting go of stuff empowers the relationship

Note: Richard Hawkins Power vs Force and the Map of conscientiousness

Empowering the coaching relationship

Being coachable is being willing to hear and act on input from another as a contribution and an opportunity when a client is not coachable clues are:

• It feels like you are pushing
• The client is resisting or arguing
• The client will not take an action

First, enthuse the client

Second tell the client what you are observing

Remember part of coaching is seed planting; you'll eventually learn not to keep pushing uphill.

Expectations
Clients must understand what is expected of them: Set up a structure. If the client doesn't meet these expectations then they must be reinforced.

Responsibility

You are responsible for
setting up the structure
maintaining accountability
maintaining your self imposed standards

The client is responsible for all outcomes, good and bad - this should be made clear in your welcome pack

Help clients to acknowledge the partnership

Make it fun but still maintaining accountability

Preparation

A client who is unprepared
often does not have enough attention on coaching
will probably not know what they want to work on
may not have done their fieldwork
will usually rely on you to drive the coaching

You may organise a proforma that you simply email. Basically a client needs to come to the session with some sense of what they want to get out of it.

Availability

Power Calls (2-10 minutes)

Client tells you concisely what the issue is & you respond with concise, powerful coaching
Power calls enable you to bond more closely
Roughly one Powercall per week.
Good idea to do a mid-week call; even a midweek email to see how you are doing
Don't list as a standard service one of your extra services - surprise them!

Creating feedback loops

Checking for feedback is very valuable for eg find out what is missing

Ask for feedback at the end of each session "What did you get from today's coaching?"

You do not need a session structure to coach. However, there are some good reasons to have one. When you begin coaching you will benefit from the support of a structure may help the client to understand what is happening in the coaching sessions so that they take more ownership of the coaching relationship. eg:

• Acknowledgement
• Accountability
• Enthusing
• Focus
• Action
• Feedback

confidence

Coaching can bring more spirituality into your life. It is argued that we have beliefs that triggers behaviour that triggers results. However, spirituality may trigger the beliefs.

4 Levels of life

1. Victim - we are, who we are, because of the world
2. Behavioural - believe if we change our behaviour results will follow
3. Belief - change a belief (possibility a UAC) and reframe
4. Spiritual - letting go of control

Note how we can have split personalities

* Feelers vs analytical
* Christian vs secular
* Boss vs subservient

These can often be a work / home split

perspective 2

We need to filter all the information we have from the outside world. We all do this in different ways. We simply need to be aware of this process and slow down people's thinking. We need to be aware of our 'lenses' and identify any 'smudges'/

Robert Keegan 5 steps from subject to object (How the way we talk can change the way we work):

1. Know that our perspective exists
2. The implications
3. Evidence that the perspective is not true; any evidence
4. Identify where the belief came from
5. Test the truth of the belief

confidence 1

Confidence grows with validation

Being in the game eg analogy of being a substitute sitting on the bench of a football game. We'd feel we were valued less.

Measure of success of a coaching session should be exhilaration, fun. learning not just do we have another session agreed to... If we have a bad session simply learn from it.

Managing expectations is important for your confidence; have confidence in the coaching process. Take the pressure off yourself as being the expert. We just one of the players.

What is a 'a- ha' moment? It is difficult to describe. Don't build your confidence around the frequency of an 'a-ha' moment.

If we had more confidence what would you do?

Rejection is something we make up in our head. Therefore why fear it?

The best way to sell our coaching is to find out what problems people have and whether our 'product' can help. If not, send the coachee to someone who can.

Be aware that our experience need only be a day ahead of our coachee!

Module notes:

Confidence: Based on life experiences and simply who we are

Writing your biography
The simpler the better - 2/3 paragraphs
major life and career changes tell an interesting story

Professional photos
A picture can say a thousand words and lend credibility
Our choice of clothing, facial expression and pose all provide information - expresses who you are
Your picture can be used on letterheads; business cards; website etc

Testimonials
They help a prospective client see that you have helped someone else
It can be as simple as a couple of lines. We need permission to use it and id information - full name; job title; company name and city


Testimonial Tips

STARR
Situation
Task
Activity
Results
Recommendation

Most clients are happy for a coach to do some edits; to send it back and confirm.
Start collecting positive emails
Offer a free coaching session so they become one of your very first clients.

Reframing your personal perspective

How comfortable do you feel five minutes before a coaching session? Are you comfortable enough to invite ALL of your friends and colleagues. If you feel that people have serious problems which MUST be fixed you might feel some pressure or reluctance as a coach to move forward.

Typical perspectives that disempower coaches include:

I MUST convince them that I'm worthy
I MUST keep them as a client
I MUST make sure I get them as a client
If I don't know what to say I'll look stupid
This client is counting on me!What if I let them down?
If I give wrong advice I'll feel terrible
I don't know enough yet. One day I'll be a good coach
I really hope I'll impress this person with my coaching

Notice how much attention is on YOU instead of focusing on the client and what's best for them

eg's of reframed perspectives that empower coaches

The client must live their own life; I'll support them the nest way I can
The client gets the credit and is also responsible for their own actions
I create value by being there, being present
Every session is an exploration of possibilities
I give up my need to control everything and I am ready to be in the flow
I'm going to have FUN in every session

goal setting 1

Goals give us a direction; purpose and a way of measuring progress. Characteristics include:

* specific steps
* realistic
* small
* identify stumbling blocks
* avoids drifting

'Who' we become can be more important to us than 'What' we achieve

If our goals are not in line with our values we can notice:
* use of 'should'
* lack of energy / motivation
* lack of follow through / action
* resentment / conflict

We can't align goals to values unless we really know what they are. How can we determine values?

* use a visual pie - ask coachee to slice into what's important to them
* use various value exercises / word prompts
* ask what people they admire and their qualities
* Give a scale of 1-10 to how connected you are to a value in your life right now.

Module notes:

Goals have the power top keep us focused on a purpose

Often a number of goals are simmering at the same time in their personal and business life
Often friends and relatives cannot provide the necessary support
A coach is an objective observer who we can trust to support us in our goals

Goals and values

Start with value based goals; sometimes we tempted to make goals to 'please' friends or family. Value based goals will make them compelling being aligned to areas that matter most to us
Prioritise and give all our energy to the most important.

Be S.M.A.R.T.

Some strategies

• Writing them down
• Review daily
• Avoid goal hijackers - when making decisions ask yourself "will this take me closer or further from the goal"
• Don't be rigid and unable to take up opportunities; keeping focused on your values you can rework goals
• Decide whether your goal is something that you can do alone or whether you need support from others; will you have his/her cooperation
• Phrase your goals in the positive
• Turn your goals into positive affirmations. Writing your goals as if they already have happened is a powerful motivator eg at the end of the year I will have successfully ......
• Only share your goals with those who will support you in achieving them

Creating a process

1. Set a goal
2. List the resources needed to achieve it
3. List the assets you currently have to make it possible
4. Identify any blocks or obstacles standing in the way
5. List any significant milestones to reach along the way (with dates)
6. List the actions required to meet the first milestone by a given date
7. Build in a reward or celebration for when you do reach the goal

Remember the client needs to own them and needs to be allowed to alter the process so that it works best for them

Reflections

Think about a goal that you have set for yourself in the past week. Did you achieve your goal or not?
To have up to date my notes for the ICA course

In light of the points that we have just looked at, why do you think you had this outcome?

It was a SMART goal; I had set out a schedule of steps; didn't allow any hijackers;

If you were going to set yourself the same goal that you listed in the previous discussion how would you define that goal now?

Since I've been successful - In the same way

How can you keep your goals foremost in the front of your mind?

Write them down and review daily

respect vs invalidation

Respect can loosely be described as being polite or having manners. However, in coaching respect reflects the heart.. the attitude. We need to first respect ourselves eg self care. We show respect for others by truth telling; listening etc

Respect: 'To consider deserving of high regard'

Judgments get in the way of freedom. We can decide to either respect or invalidate.


Standards: Techniques for creating respect- standards are levels of behaviour - standards are based on experience, education and reason

Personal boundaries

Define your personal boundaries - we have to teach people how to treat us clearly communication

If someone does something to you and you don't like it tell them! If their behaviour doesn't change, it is up to you to remove yourself from the situation.

When you start strengthening your boundaries, some people in your life may remove themselves out of your life... and new people will come into your life.


Methods to invalidate someone: Hosing

eg "Don't be stupid"

It is a way in which we invalidate an idea, a thing, a place, ourselves and people.


How a coach shows respect for their client

• Be ready, review any notes from the last session before the call or session
• Be on time and available at the designated time of the session
• Actively listen to both what is being said and what is not being said
• Stay focused and keep the client on track
• Acknowledge both what did and didn't get done during the session
• Really listen to what the client is saying ( and not saying) and repeat it back if there is any doubt in your mind
• If something unavoidable comes up and you cannot meet the coaching call, initiate the call to change times
• Be actively ready to coach
• Be in the present moment
• Avoid judgment

Reflections

I. Look into different areas of your life, and list ten standards by which you already hold yourself responsible to behave.
1. Punctuality 2. Honesty 3. Faithful to my spouse 4. Dress well 5. Do not swear 6. Do not use violence 7. Do not overeat 10.Do not overdrink alcohol
II. Now write down three standards you would like to live by. Choose one to put into practice this week. (If you like, try a new standard a week, or per month.) At the end of the week, post your experience on the discussion board under this topic.
1. Exercise every day 2. Always placing other peoples' interests first 3. Be myself - be authentic

III Discussion - Where in your life do you think you need to strengthen your boundaries?

habitual trash internet usage

IV Make a list of your personal boundaries; What are they?
no violence

hands off rule

no swearing

no inappropriate jokes

no trash tv

no bullying / putting people down

V. In the past week, what are three ways in which you have demonstrated respect for yourself?

1. Fulfilled my commitment to work intensely on my ICA course during my holiday

2. Organised my teenage children to work on extra house chores during the school holiday to free up my time

3. Taking 'time out' with my wife

VI. What about respect for others?

1. Listening to other peoples stories whilst working in my holidays in my wife's shop

2. Understanding why another driver was angry when he thought (incorrectly) I was pushing in a queue of cars and consequently waving a 'thank you'

3. Validating my son's keen interest in books

VII. In the past week, describe three ways in which you have invalidated yourself. Pinpoint your underlying judgements in each of these.

1. Lack of formal exercise

2. Not always finding fun in my work

3. Being angry

To follow
VIII. In the next three days, recognise three ways you invalidate others, and turn it into respect.
IX. in the following four days, recognize three ways you disrespect yourself, and turn it into respect. (For example, change eating habits from junk food to healthy foods.)

power questions

Be careful not to use an inappropriate 'powerful' closed question
eg do you have fear here?.... instead use something like... how do you feel in this situation?... I'm noticing some trembling in your voice.

Powerful questions unlock or reveal a truth that they may be unaware of or have not faced up to it. Often emotion will follow.

Note C (context) R (Response) I (Intent) Q (Question)

Are there questions we need to ask ourselves?
Is this draining me?
Am I judging rather than curious?

Note 'Adaptive Coaching' by Blake & Spears - about different styles of coaching

A therapist asks: What's wrong with you
A coach will ask: What do you really want?

Powerful questions

Helps in the problem solving process - explore ideas even further
If we continue to ask questions eventually we have an answer which does not appear to present a new question - the basis for discovering truth- Socratic method

Lower and higher level questions

Lower level - Simple application of facts
Higher level - involves analysis, synthesis and evaluation skills.

Lower level

• Evaluating clients preparation and comprehension about a subject
• To focus on small steps
• When a client is discouraged or lacking enthusiasm

Higher level

• Encourage clients to have a more in depth discussion.We use the qu: Why? Can you elaborate? What evidence do you have to support your answer?
• We encourage clients to 'unpack' their thinking
• It goes beyond factual to to apply what is known to what is unknown and to elaborate on what is known - to find their own 'truths'.

Lower and higher level questions are both valuable.

Open and closed questions

Open ended questions give the client the maximum space in which to respond.
They are good openers eg "what success have you had this week?"

Closed are fast and action orientated and force a client to commit. They are good closers of sessions. eg " Are you willing to take on this request during the next week?"

Aligning questions

Align the topic of discussion to their overall values, visions and dreams.
eg "what would life look like if it were exactly the way you wanted it to be? What is holding you back?"

Think Time

Lower level questions may need around 3 secs

Higher level questions may need 5 or more secs

Questioning is really just an extension of listening - it can only occurs in response to what the client is saying.

Aligning questions: the topic of discussion will be more focused on my values, visions and dreams

Reflection:

How do you respond to these different types of questions?

Lower: apply facts and enable small steps; encourages me

Higher: analysis; synthesis and evaluation leading to more in depth discussion; apply the unknown to the known; discover our truth; gain a different perspective; helps align goals to values

Open: Enables me to open a discussion

Closed: I have to make a decision to commit or not

Aligning questions: the topic of discussion will be more focused on my values, visions and dreams

What is the difference in the type of response you will give?

They serve a different purpose at different stages of the coaching process.

What are the implications and possibilities of these different approaches?

Implications: Helps me grow more quickly and 'unpacks' my thinking

Possibilities: Different perspective; reassessment of my values; problem solving; take action; generates energy or drains

How would you use them with your clients?

To unpack their thinking without judgement

What are some additional questions that you might ask a client?

how do you feel in this situation?... I'm noticing some trembling in your voice.

powerful requests

A bold request can go beyond the thought process of the coachee... they haven't even thought about such an opportunity - rather than simply extending, going beyond an existing thought from the client.

Remember coaching is about creating an action; a result. Ultimately, the client takes ownership by accepting the challenge.

We can be creative without it being 'advice'

Story: A CEO had a desk full of paper. The coach asked him if he'd consider taking absolutely everything off his desk and cleaning it. Then was asked if he'd look at his clean desk for an hour. At this point he'd determine which paper he'd put back on desk. As a CEO it was his choice what he;d look at first.

Most of us live in a comfort zone. Making a powerful request you're moving from a comfort zone to an uncomfortable zone and subsequently a learning zone. At this point some panic and return to the comfort zone.

Module notes:

Clients want to expand their vision; take risks and achieve more. We can hold a space for a client to grow by making powerful requests and assigning them fieldwork that opens up possibilities. In other words we challenge them to be their best. Such requests can cause change, stir thought forward and cause action. Consequently, we can cause shifts and actions in our client.
Most powerful requests

It is not us asking that they do something for us. Instead, we want them to do something for themselves.

A request is like a contract
1. Accept
2. Say no, and give a reason
3. Negotiate

Bold Requests

Safe porting is preparing someone for something beforehand by putting it in context - by labeling it as a 'bold request' acknowledges that it may be a stretch.

Fieldwork

Usually comes out of the coaching itself - the best fieldwork can come from the clients themselves - just ask " what would be a good thing for you to do this week?"
During the coaching session, take notes and write down what the clients fieldwork is for the next week. If we don't follow up and ask about it they may simply let it go.
At times the fieldwork may not be done - don't look at it as a failure. Use it as learning tool - discover the barriers and commitments. There is a distinction between committed and interested. Fieldwork should be practical, achievable and measurable.

Challenging your clients

Fieldwork that gets them out of their comfort zone - ask for twice what they say they can achieve - give the challenge with a fun perspective - an element of a game. The client might not achieve it but still surpass their own 'bar'. The best thing we can do is raise the bar.

Reflection

Think of an issue in your life right now where you would like to take some action. What would you be a powerful request that you, as a coach, would make to yourself to move forward? What would be the minimum that you would accept of yourself? What would be the potential benefits of this request?

I'd like to take action in securing trial clients. A powerful request would be to contact 'x' number of ICA students and ask 'x' number of friends in the next week. Minimum no x 5 ICA and non- ICA students. The potential benefit is that I acquire my first experience in coaching.

What are the benefits when designing fieldwork as part of a coaching arrangement?

Accelerated growth and accountability; it becomes a partnership and the coachee can own it especially if they have determined the fieldwork.

What would stop a client from being willing to do fieldwork?

If it's not practical, achievable or measurable. It may not be in context. The client may not be committed to a particular goal - it may not align with his/her values. The client may not be 'coachable' not really wanting any change or is dysfunctional.

If a client continually fails to complete fieldwork, what are some of the possible things that might be going on?

There might be barriers holding them back or a lack of commitment. There is a difference between being committed and interested.

How can you as a coach balance the need to support your client with the need to challenge them?

Challenging a client can take them out of their comfort zone but it can be balanced by a sense of fun, game and adventure.

the coaching process 2

Coaching model: the 'what' - can be the visual
Coaching process - the 'how'

New behaviour has to be better than the old behaviour - a more positive outcome

People may fall back occasionally but they are now aware of their actions and are capable of getting back on track.

The key is to know when to use our tools. At different stages we'll use a different array of tools. We don't have to explain each tool to the client. We simply implement a tool.

We need to consider the learning style of the coachee.

Do we need to tell clients about the process? It's situational.

commitment vs trying 2

1. Look further ahead - how do you see yourself in the future - what would your life look like?
2. Looking back - what is stopping you?

Desire to slim - you can take steps to achieve this goal without focusing on what can be the negative concept of the slimming and deprivation. eg just have a plan to take dancing lessons. Slimming is not the focus, fun is!

Technique for establishing a fee based clientele - 'If you're not completely satisfied you can have your money back.

the coaching process

It's not just a nice conversation

Ask

What are they willing to change; what results. Talk about these matters in the trial session - that people want to start and finish somewhere. Ask what do they expect from coaching and how we'll get there.

We need to get to know each other - sometimes they see us as an expert; that we've got it together

'The gap' is between the problem and destination. We must be non-judgemental; a listener. If we're not suitable etc we must honestly advise the coachee of that.

An ICA students story: A friend was dying and for some days she needed to just be there and LISTEN.

Module Notes:

Coaching = process of inquiry and personal discovery
Coaching = goal setting and strategic action

ICA Coaching Process

------------------------ THE GAP ------------------------------
Beginning -----------------------------------------------The Goal
Honeymoon phase-----------------------------------Quitting Zone
---------------------------UAC's---------------------------------

Truth telling; listening; questioning; power tools; celebrating;
----------perspective; feedback; challenging; enthusing
------------------PILLARS OF COACHING

The Gap: space between where the client is and where they want to be
Honeymoon: time where the coaching is earning the trust of the client and developing a strong foundation for the coaching relationship to be built upon
The journey: The process will have its ups and downs. None of it is good or bad
Peaks and valleys: peak - doing great; valleys - stumbling blocks
Quitting zone: Research has shown people will quit just before they are about to reach their goal - fear of failure or success or simple the inability to hold the vision - The coach can hold the vision.
The goal: Concrete or something more intrinsic. Clients are working on more than one goal at a time and therefore there are many sub-goals.
UAC's: We may or may not be aware of them; finding out what our beliefs or judgements tend to impede progress is what coaching effectively is all about.

The pillars of coaching:

Enthusing is important at all stages but is particularly important in the quitting zone. Accountability - goal setting

The real skill is not just in using tools but in knowing what tool to use at each stage of a process and as each eventually arises.

Reflection:

Use priorities in life as a vehicle to establish and develop relationships - emotional, intelligence - managing relationship - learning how to learn

The difference between the coaching process and the coaching model A model is a visual representation The process is a more detailed narrative and could help explain the model
We can have a model and text in conjunction

How do we understand other people?
Thinking or Feeling model?
Do we treat people the way we want to be treated or the way they want to be treated?

coaching model

A coach challenges the client to take the time to find out what is truly important. Having a coach is like having a partner whose highest priority is your success.

It provides accountability. There is an underlying belief we must pay a price to achieve something eg paying with health issues or strained relationships.

Many are tired of just getting by in life or in their career. People are less willing to settle and are more willing to take a risk.

In todays economic environment people have the time and resources to invest in themselves. People have discovered the myth of the 'work / life divide'. Successful business people and managers make time for activities that enrich and inspire.

The model can be used as a marketing tool - can be displayed on a website and other promotional material.

Coaching is a hybrid field with roots in a range of philosophies and professional practices. Some models are:

1. LQAF - Listen, question, acknowledge and feedback.
2. Taking action coaching model - Goal setting, planning, support and acknowledgement
3. 4D coaching model - dialogue, decision, doing, digesting

Once you've completed a model check:
1. Does this model depict what is happening during our coaching sessions?
2. Does this model help clarify what happens during the coaching session?
3. Does it help to have a model that depicts what happens during the session?

Your model is an organic document.

Trust vs Doubt

Trust gives us confidence and freedom.

We need to trust ourself or it can be a source of doubt. Doubt considerations include:

1. Negative - from others it can be judgement
2. Can fuel self doubt that already exists
3. Focus on past failures
4. Doubt from others is 'noise'
5. Being in doubt is driving with the breaks on
6. Doubt can grow when there are no immediate results

We need to focus on having the right people around you 'believing eyes'.

Story

An old toothless lion is in the middle of the forest. He roars loud and all the other animals run to the edge of the forest where they were eaten by other lions lying in wait. When you hear the roar in your life go towards it!

As a coachee you can sometimes lack responsibility for eg to make preparation.

A complaint is information for us and is a gift: 1 perfect coaching client 2. there's a conversation. 3. it's a chance to reestablish trust 4. it's a chance to reestablish relationships 5 it shows they still want a relationship 6 it shows something I need to address in myself

Note game of frustration to fascination

Story

A horse ran away. The next day he came back with a wild horse. The man's son rode the horse and broke his leg. The next day the govt conscripted soldiers and he didn't have to go.

Don't judge - everything is perfect.

Note Van Sanders: The art of possibility

We can have a perspective of trust - empowered to take action
We can have a perspective of doubt - fear

Doubt is produced by judgements - it starts with judging that something isn't perfect eg when we judge that having no money is wrong. Therefore, when we do not have abundance we worry.
We need the opposite perspective: Having no money could be just right for us right now.

When we give ourselves an 'A' it opens trust.

How to realise perfection

The opposite of fear is clarity. If there is fear, can we define the fear so we can clearly reason it out? Look for possible advantages found in whatever they feel is imperfect.

The antagonist

Always the catalyst for change and further growth. See the antagonist as an opportunity for growth.

Viewing Perfection as perfect

Everything is just the way it is supposed to be and that it is perfect. Our lives are a combination of every choice we have ever made and in that respect we have created our lives.

One of our purposes is to learn - in this way we can see that life is perfect.

Is life perfect? Our perception can make it so.

Questions we can ask:

1. Let's take a step back for a moment. What advantages can you see in this particular situation?
2. Is there someone you know who is really positive? What are some advantages they might see in this particular situation.
3. If there was a lesson to be learned here what is it?

A Special Tip
'Down Motion' is easier to express than an 'up motion'

Respect the process

Should we lay down and accept everything in life? No we can accept life in the present whilst planning to change it.
1. See the beauty and perfection in what is really happening. Hearing but not reacting.
2. Create a vision of how life could be and make a commitment to reach that vision.

Do not focus on the result alone. Otherwise we'll be hooked on the result. Accept the process.

Gratitude vs Complaining

We're conditioned to complain - a bad habit. Gratitude though is always welcoming.

Consider working with the effects of a perspective. When you're in perfection 'gratitude' is the natural outcome.

When you're in a problem, complaining is the outcome. Result: You're drained.

Questions to shift complaining:

1. What do you get out of complaining
2. So what is there to be grateful for in this case?
3. What's the ads of this situation

Everything will work out - it always does.

Game vs Significance

Perspective: Take different photos of the same object. Ask people to describe their perspective.

Evidence of significance: Long time to answer questions; negative self talk.

We can ask permission to lighten the moment.

Cross cultural: Learned ways we do things; set of UAC's that provide structure.

Different cultures have a different approach to goals. Therefore, call them something else - in their language or context.

Respect goes a long way - non-judgemental

People are passionate about something - it's just that we have different passions - different expressions but the sources are the same. Life themes are the same. Different cultures can offer a different perspective.

Use a value exploration at the beginning. Ask who do they most admire: 3 people and their qualities. Are these then important to you.

Questions: What if something didn't happen? What would it look like?

Note: Obviously there are times when we do not 'play' eg death; divorce

Strategy to move from significance to game: Frustration to Fascination

Notes:

It can disempower us to get significant or to take ourselves too seriously.

Reframing: We're terrified of failing. However, if failing during a game you're still in ACTION - You're in the game.

Lightening - 'What is the worst thing that could happen?' ... can lift some of the burden.

It could also provide perspective as to when and with whom the significance seems to be the strongest. By tracking the situations where significance is playing a big role we can begin to see a pattern. Once the pattern is discovered, we can take action towards changing that pattern and start to lighten the situation.

Getting over significance of coaching and lightening up - as a new coach marketing is key. Avoid the hard sell and become an ambassador for coaching.

Create a game around how many people you can let know about coaching. Also, create a game to see how many trial rejections you can get!

Responsibility vs Blame

Responsibility leads to freedom

Needs perspective that you caused a situation. Then you have the power to change it.
Blame = loss of freedom & disempowerment - Consequently, resentment and victim position - something happened to me.

No one is ever totally blameless.

Techniques

Taking responsibility can start difficult conversations - Use 'I'

Tool: Accomplice
Given total responsibility can be really difficult. However, people can often see how they contributed to a situation or at least went along with it.

Technique: Extreme Perspective on an issue - 100% responsibility vs 100% not responsibility - Feel the difference in comparing both positions.

Forgiveness has everything to do with us. In forgiveness we release ourselves.

Truth - some things are outside by our coachees control. However, what we do have control over is our ability to make choices - our responses - We need to concentrate on things we can control. Let's learn from our mistakes.

Taking responsibility - we build character, self esteem, integrity, clarity and value.

Alternatively, we can avoid 'punishment' but this can lead to more trouble.

Blame Game

A person who is never at fault - helpless victim of circumstances by choice.

Responsibility is a privilege not a burden.

The blame game can become part of our thinking.

We play by accepting that others are stronger, smarter and more resourceful than you. An indicator is lots of 'shoulds'. Advantages: 1. Don't have to take responsibility 2. Decisions are left to everyone else.

We can stop by knowing that no-one can do anything to you without your permission.

In class:

Invite the client to take responsibility in small steps.

How are you contributing to this situation? What do we control? What role did you play in this situation? What would help you feel better in this role?

We can't be responsible for someone else's actions. In business we're accountable for a
subordinate's action rather than being responsibility.

We're responsible for our response. Self blame is a big issue.

We can be responsible in planning 20 phone calls to secure clients. We cannot control if we get 'x' no of clients.

Truth Telling

* Public speaking
* Truth - being authentic
* The way it is = truth
* The only truth that is important in coaching is the coachees perspective

Telling the truth from complete acceptance

Just listening can help people come to the truth

We're all diamonds covered in mud and the mud has hardened - our job is to help the client uncover their mud

Note: Dr David Brynes - 'Internal Beliefs'

Truth vs Fraud

Fraud - a lie or withholding information

Don't have people drawn to a 'front' - If so, we become resentful, lonely. People need to access the real you - we're real when we tell the truth. The cost of lying can be living a lie. It takes significant energy to tell a lie.

We fear
1. Losing a friend
2. Being seen as imperfect
3. Hurting other people's feelings
4. Judgment

Telling the tuth
1. Freedom - nothing to hide
2. Being a model
3. True acceptance and real love

Perception is reality and reality is out truth. Whether to tell the truth or not will always be measured by the consequences we have to face.

Tuth vs Opinion - is simply a thought held by one or more individuals. Our opinions are based on our beliefs and can change depending on new information.

Truth vs Honesty - honesty is a moral issue. It is a personal interpretation of right or wrong.

If we're not telling the truth:
* I feel like something is missing
* I feel this isn't adding up
* What evidence do you have that this is true?
* What makes you think that?

Note: Therapist as lifecoach by Patrick Williams

Sometimes we have to give time - ask clients to check in with their heart,

Use imagery eg See behind a door eg Climbing a ladder what do you see?

Our truth (internal) vs The truth (external)

Relief is a feeling coming from truth - authentic self

Secrets vs Discretion

Truth vs Openess

Issue: When the client isn't true to theirself

Our response can be: I'm noticing that you're drained, pausing etc; Are you feeling comfortable with this situation?